The Station

I'll Be The Idiot Driving The Opposite Direction

You know what I need to get serious about this spring? Storm chasing. I don't want to die not ever having seen a tornado. I'll bet there's lots out here...
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No Good Title Today, Folks

I've been challenged to stop thinking. I'm not sure that's possible, but I'll give it a try.

After Friday's concert, my throat was sore from all the singing, shouting, and smoke. This is typical, but it usually goes away after a day. I'm still popping those cheap cough drops from McKinley. They must put crack in those things - they're so good.

Last night at bible study we got around to discussing one of the differences between catholics and protestant christians. Of course everyone here is a protestant and I'm officially a catholic (though very much more protestant in mind). So I ended up explaining about catholic dogma and why I've come to think most of it is nonsense. I was surprised at how interested they were. I guess I just assumed everyone knew about catholics. Anyway, some of them might go to St. Pat's with me on Saturday to see what it's all about. I think it's about time I started going to a nondenominational church. I think I'll have a better understanding of the truth if I do.

Last week I deleted all my illegal music files. It took a lot of will power, but I think it's the right thing to do. It really is stealing and it's time I stopped making false justifications for it. Amazingly, I don't miss those files at all!

It's about time I got on a roller coaster. I can't wait for the season to start and to have time to roam the midwest. The more I think about it, a roller coaster ride is true happiness, at least in my opinion. Seriously, it's impossible to ride a roller coaster and not be as happy as a three year old at Christmas! I wish I had time to finish the TRACS website. I should just devote a whole day to it and just finish it. Oh, check this thing out: http://www.coasterdynamix.com/ Talk about realism! This is exactly what I wanted to do ten years ago but lacked the time and money. Someone else finally spent the time, I still can't justify the cost, yet.

The last 48 hours have been full of surprises, and they've all been good. The two tests I thought I missed having returned ended up having delays in grading, so I won't have to personally visit the professors to retrieve my tests. Lab groups were switched, so I didn't have to stay yesterday - two bonus hours of freedom! Got another scholarship! Got an A on my design test (I thought I had done poorly). Better than that, our design project (shoe force sensor dealie) got a 96%. The design portion received 25/25 points. Rock on! Better still, people are now asking to be part of our group! Being in demand is great. There's more, but that's all I'm going to say.
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A Step Back From "How Do I..."

Right now, this very moment, I believe is the most confusing moment of my life. Seriously, this is an order of magnitude increase in not knowing what to do about so many things and not knowing why I'm thinking what I'm thinking. Don't ask, just don't expect a normal (the judicious use of that adjective is highly debatable anyway) Brian anytime soon. I think I'll go back to the village tonight.

At least I have a palm tree named Edward living under a roller coaster in my room. That's one of the few things I know to be true.
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More Horses! Sorry CC!

I saw Hidalgo last night. An excellent movie! I really didn't know what to expect since I'd only seen the preview once, but I was most impressed. Lots of horses. Lots of action. Go see it.
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Am I surprised? No.

It's very morning Monday of my spring break. I started my day spreading hay around a horse that is about to foal. Considering the general randomness of my life, this doesn't seem all that unusual.
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My Home Away From Home

Lately, I've been spending a lot of time at the Mechanical Engineering Laboratory (MEL), and last night I felt like I lived there. My first group project for my design course was due for presentation this morning. I got there at 6PM Wednesday and left at 7AM Thursday. Actually, I did make a run to Jimmy John's around 3AM. We got a lot done, and had a lot of fun, too. At one point, after complaining how this project wasn't mechanical enough, Erik suggested that our next project should be something (anything) that just involves huge forces. Troy responded with "let's do a dinosaur holder!" I laughed so hard I felt sick - it still cracks me up. I also thought of doing a "Super Troopers" thing by trying to say "dinosaur holder" in today's presentation without anyone noticing. I didn't.

The project was absolutely absurd: "design a force transducer to measure the two main force components in the shoe of a runner." What?!?! Isn't that a kinesiology project? I thought so, but no, that was our assignment. I was unhappy with it because, for me, the obvious solution would be to use piezoelectrics to create the signal. This sort of design has minimal moving parts, so the only mechanical engineering is failure analysis of the materials, and design of manufacturing methods.

That's what we decided on, except we used piezo film instead of standard ceramics for cost, size, and mass considerations. Whereas every other group used some sort of mechanical constraint to dedicate each sensor to a single component, I did away with moving parts altogether. This made our design the most compact, the most accurate, the least weight, the longest lasting, and one of the least expensive. Of course, to do this and still differentiate between the force components required some ingenuity of constraints and liberal exploitation of the anisotropic properties of the film. In fact, to make the design this simple, it was actually required to measure three force components versus the just two required by the design, an added bonus.

It really is fantastic to present a design that you know is the best in the class. In fact, only one other group beside our own fulfilled one of the most important design criteria. However, their design wouldn't work either since they didn't realize that the sensors they used required a substantial preload. I was going to call them on that point, but I didn't have the heart after I saw their embarrassing price tag - nearly $20,000 per shoe! Our design, by comparison ran just under $700 ($250 if you dispense with unshielded electronics). I may not get the best grades, but I know how to design machines. Thanks to God for that gift, I hope I use it well.
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"Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You..."

Has anyone noticed that this blog has become a medium for communicating my complaints and concerns? Well, I never intended that, so it's time to refocus. After all, what is the point of regretting the past (which I cannot change) or being pessimistic about the future (which I cannot be certain of)? There is no point. Furthermore, I'm always going to want to be more things, but I should just look to what I have now, instead of obsessing over ideals which I have yet to achieve.

I've also come to the realization that the reason some aspects of life seem to hold no purpose is for just that reason - they have no purpose for us. Not every feature of life is meant to do something to us or for us. Perhaps significant occurrences are not meant to have an effect on us. Rather, it might be that we are supposed to have an effect on them. So the next time you wonder why life has lead you down a certain road, do not be so preoccupied with asking where the road is leading you, that you do not ask where you can lead the people you meet along the way.

Now for a haiku about cows and palm trees.

Cow: short fat mobile
Palm Tree: tall skinny rooted
Not like each other

The transition from introspective to silly poetry is not pretty.
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What I Should Have Done

Walking back from class, I was thinking about how easy my economics and history classes are in comparison to my engineering classes. When I left high school, I should have come here and majored in some LAS cirriculum, or maybe business even. That way I would have had four years of free time to have fun and do all sorts of things. Then, once that was out of my system, I'd be able to get serious about academics without distractions and would be able to do engineering.

I didn't go to college after high school because I didn't know what I wanted to do. How could I have been so stupid? Eighty percent of the people who are here, don't know why they're here, or are here for the wrong reasons. However, they will turn out fine in the end, plus they'll have the worldly opportunities and experiences of being in a place like this. I always thought those people were foolish, but considering the big picture (the whole college experience, not just academics), they had the right idea all along. While I can't change the past, these egregious errors still make me afraid to think...afraid to think of all the mistakes I must be making right now.
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What Is It Now?

When is life going to stop happening, so that I might have time to live my life?!?! Ever feel like that?
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Hooray For My Economics Prowess

I got an A+ on my economics test, but I'm not the least bit happy. All I want is more time with economics; it's so much fun. Whatever should I do about that?
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Back to Normal

Today was an eventful day, and it's only noon. I had my history midterm at 8:30AM. Since I basically studied heat transfer all weekend, I didn't know enough to write good essays. Probably scored a 75%. Not to worry, all that studying for heat transfer would certainly pay off at 11AM. WRONG! First problem looked super-easy, I could do it in my sleep. However, trying to evaluate the constants of integration led to mismatched dimensions. I reclaculated, five times, still it fell apart. I have no idea what happened there. Of course, I needed this answer to do the next problem, so all I could do is write in words what I would do if I solved the first one. The final problem was the only concept I never could understand. I left it almost completely blank. I'll be lucky to get a 40%. Also, between the two test disasters, I stopped by the lab to hunt down the people who were thinking of hiring me. Yeah, no research job for Brian, just an "I thought we sent you an email, maybe we forgot..."

It's nice to know that things are back to normal. For a while there I was worried that this semester might not be an endless string of crushing disappointments. It's great to see that nothing has changed, and today was recompense for the good fortunes of the previous six weeks. It's a good thing, too. I was actually starting to think that what I want, and what God wants me to have, were finally one in the same . Glad that's over. At least now I know what to expect from tomorrow.
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Where Are You, Mr. Lincoln?

Right now it's Satruday night, and I am studying. I studied last night as well, then got up early to do a project. It's really great to know I'm doing respectably well in school this semester. Yes, my left brain would be quite content...if it weren't at civil war with it's creatively inclined partner hemisphere.

Engineers really do have it tough down here. There's so much work and so little time. Homework alone takes away any free time for reading, seeing friends, playing music, athletics, and anything else one might enjoy doing. Normally, this wouldn't bother me so much, but this semester it does. When I went home from the dance in Champaign the other night, I had to go past the frats, and house parties, and people on the streets out to meet their friends. It's really sad to see all these people enjoying their lives while realizing that I have to stay up all night learning about combustion in diesel engines. Sure, I try to think, "hey, you like that stuff - it's why you're here," but it doesn't work. All I can do is just try to forget about it, but I should know better - it just hurts more the next time.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, while I don't want to be a party animal, I don't want to live in a small social cage anymore. I'm not entirely sure what that means, and I'm not specifically sure of what I want. Something is missing though...

I just hope I figure out what I've been doing wrong all this time before it's too late.
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Return to McKinley

Tonight I went to the Thursday dance for the first time since before Thanksgiving. I only went because I promised to meet some friends I hadn't seen in a while. Turns out they weren't there (although I don't think it's their fault) and I had to stay for at least an hour in hopes they'd show. The whole time I'm thinking "I really don't want to be here," and that's just sad.

I kinda got burned out on dance last semester, and was disappointed when certain social interests didn't pan out. Plus, after all the time I've been there, I've never felt like I fit in. Hurting my knee while riding over break doesn't make dance any easier. This semester, I'm too busy for lindy and that suits me just fine. Of course, I can't say "no" to anyone so, by request, I had to show.

I was foolishly hoping not to be asked to dance; trying to maintain conversations with male friends so as not to be approached by a follow. That lasted all of 30 seconds. The first one actually turned out to be from Lombard and knows Nick's sister, Jamie. That was interesting. Then it was this girl, then that, and eventually I ended up next to one of the best follows. This girl has never shown much interest in having a conversation with me, so I just said "hi," but she wanted to talk. For what must have been 4 songs she talked to me, which I wouldn't have minded last semester, but this time all I'm thinking is "please don't want to dance with me." Eventually, someone came over to ask her a question and I walked away. Then I felt bad, because she probably really wanted a dance. So I left with the same apathy towards dance as when I arrived, but now with the guilt of ignoring a nice girl.

This was one of those days that I should have just stayed home. Even the one thing that could have made it worth going to class was MIA, again.

I'm so tired, but I think I should stay up all night to get stuff done. Is it worth it? I don't know.
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Photosynergis

Today I received my history paper back with an A+ on the inside page. I was kinda worried about that class, because it's hard to tell what the professor really wants. Now I know what to do for the rest of the class, and that is awesome. Two easy classes! And they're both interesting! Well, one's an interesting class and the other one has...

In other news, I think the plant on my desk is dying. Probably because I always forget to raise the blinds during the day.

Now I remember what I was going to complain about. The group considering me for the research position was supposed to make a decision by the end of last week. Since I hadn't heard anything until Monday, I assumed I didn't get the job. I still emailed them to make sure. I figured the email would come right back, "Sorry, we chose someone who likes to program..." It's been nearly 48 hours though, no reply. So now what?
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