The Station

Did He Really Just Say That?

Work conversation I just witnessed

Lesser boss: What sort of assignment should we give to Lance?

Big boss: Since he's a new guy, we've got to find out what he's capable of.

Lesser boss: What do you have in mind?

Big boss [completely straight-faced]: I don't know. Just find a weasel with rabies, light it on fire, and throw it at him; see what he does with it.

Lesser boss: [laughs]

Big boss: [continues to be stone-faced]

Myself: [tries not to laugh and wonders how big boss described my assignment]
B

Finally, I Can Have A Friend

Saw this in a store window at Mammoth Mountain.
B

No Lie

The June 2005 issue of Popular Science contains the phrase "Banana Apocalypse."
B

Horses In The City

Even though I can't afford a house in LA, I thought I'd check some of the real estate listings. This one looked good. I was happy to see that the rooms were still alive but disappointed that there was no horse.

What Happened To The Legos?

Here's another humorous website from my friend, Troy. This one is about Legos.
B

Mc Church

"Good morning, and welcome to McDonald's...er...I mean Saint Mary's!" I kid you not, this was the greeting offered by the lecter at mass this morning.
B

The Posting Well Is Running Dry

Haven't posted anything for a while. Here's a link to three stories my friend, Troy, wrote about bears. They're so hilarious I usually have to stop midway through to calm down, then return later so I can continue reading.
B

What's The Difference?

The other day a friend wanted to know the difference between a civil engineer and a mechanical engineer. Before I could answer her question, another friend of mine explained "Civil engineers build targets; mechanical engineers build weapons." It's a surprisingly accurate, yet humorous assessment.
B

Watch Mystery

In early September, I lost my beloved Fossil watch. I meticulously searched both my apartment and my parents' house several times, but the watch remained missing. Conceding that it was gone forever, I got a new one. The new one is exactly the same as the one which went missing (I liked it that much).

Today, after running some errands, I returned to my room at my parents' house to discover the missing watch sitting on my recliner! Eager to find out where and by whom it was found, I questioned the other members of the household.

No one knows anything! That's right, no one found it, no one put it on my chair. Amazing! My watch just takes a four-month hiatus and then returns without anyone knowing anything about it.

This isn't the first time this has happened either. Several things have also gone missing for extended amounts of time. Right now, it's my Christmas music books that have run off.

Maybe in the future, my whole house will disappear. Yes, one day I'll return home and it will have simply vanished. I will ask and people will say, "I haven't seen your house, Brian. Are you sure you even had a house?"
B

Squirel Dream

Last night I had a dream that there was a wildlife refuge in a small forest in the middle of an Illinois corn field. Actually, it was less of a forest and more just a house-lot sized area with some pine trees. The department of parks, or whoever manages such things, wanted there to be more squirrels in this forest. So they hired me, Andy and Christina, to go out there with these canvas bags full of squirrels. We pulled them out of the bags and threw them into the trees.
B

Composites Joke

Today was the last day of research presentations in my composites class. The first group gets up there and one of the guys says, "I thought I'd break the ice with a joke. Two composites walk into a bar...that's as far as I got." How lame! Tempting us with a joke and not delivering. So, instead of listening to his presentation, I finished his joke for him. I never gave it to him and, after leaving the class, I realized that no one else would get it because most people know nothing about composites. I can't let it go to waste though, so I'll explain a quick fact about composites and write the joke. Here goes:

Composite fact: The stiffness of a composite comes from the fibers that are inside it.

Two composites walk into a bar. They sit down, order drinks, and the bartender slides over a bowl of bran flakes. He explains, "I ran out of nuts and pretzels." The first composite munches on the bran flakes, but the second composite doesn't. After a while, the second composite is having a good time - talking to female composites and trading jokes with the bartender, but the first composite just sits there, eating the bran flakes and looking bored and unfriendly. The bartender asks, "why isn't your friend having any fun?" The second composite responds, "it's the bran flakes - fiber makes him stiff!"
B

Fun With The Bible

The following is a joke told by Matthew Kelly. Who is Matthew Kelly? He's an Australian Catholic who has written some books about revitalizing the Catholic faith and such. Of course, I'm not interested in Catholicism, but I went with my parents over the break to see him talk at a church in Morris.

One day, a priest decides to visit an elderly parishioner at her home since she had been ill. He parks his car in the drive, walks the flower lined path to the door, and knocks gently. Though he can hear a radio playing inside the house, the priest's call is unanswered. He knocks again, noting other clues that the parishioner appears to be at home. Still no answer. He then scribbles a note on the back of one of his business cards, wedges it in the door seal, and drives away.

A short time later, the elderly woman opens the door. She picks up the card the priest left and turns it over to find a scripture reference written on the back - Revelation 3:20. She opens her bible to know the passage. It says, Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in...

Well, the following Sunday, after the morning mass, the priest discovers his business card has been returned to him in the collection basket. His scripture reference has been crossed out and a new one is written next to it - Genesis 3:10. The priest is curious, so he retrieves his bible from his office. It says, I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.

Yeah, I thought it was humorous.
B

RCT3 Is Violent!

Look at what you can do with Roller Coaster Tycoon 3. Rampant destruction and chaos are amusing!
B

Crash 1
Crash 2

Feeling Uninspired

There is nothing to write about, yet I feel like I should type something. Hmm...a haiku?...an urban legend?...kid Brian and his adventures?

The other day I remembered the first time I was told the phrase, "point your toe." I was probably about two or three, and I believe my mom was trying to get me into some pajama bottoms. I was kinda confused at her command and, although I didn't see how it would help the situation, I responded by pointing at my foot. I think I got yelled at for being a wise-guy (Mom was not in a good mood that evening).

While I'm on the subject of childhood stories, I'll relay another.

I tried to be creative when I insulted my sister if for no other reason than to seem more intelligent than her, even if I was being just as immature. One time I called her a "dope on a rope." Never in my life have I heard my mom laugh so hysterically. My sister cried. I was happy.
B

More For The Masses

More true stories from classes.

Professor: Can someone tell me the link length in this example?

Student: The link length...hmm...that would be the link length.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Student: Are you going to post a practice test on the class website?

Professor: There's a class website?

No, there is no website for my statistics course. How did these people get into college?
B

Another ME 445 Tale

Here's another story from the robotics class.

My professor gets very upset when people come late. This happened two weeks ago. A student (I'll call him Bob) walks in five minutes late.

Professor: Do you have a watch?

Bob: No, I don't. They're uncomfortable to wear

Professor: You need a watch. Don't ever be late to my class again!

(Bob sits down in the front row. Soon, another student enters. This fellow, however, has permission to come late. )

Professor: Why are you late? Wait...you're the guy that has a good excuse. Sit here (points to where Bob is sitting). Bob needs a watch, so he can find a seat in the back.

(As Bob walks to the back of the room...)

Professor: And someone back there tell Bob where he can buy a watch!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

This week Bob shows up to class not five minutes late, but twenty minutes late. We all expect the professor to throw him out of the class.

Professor: Didn't I tell you to buy a watch?

Bob: Yes, and see, I'm wearing one.

Professor: Then why are you even later this week?

Bob: Well, I knew I was five minutes late again, but I didn't want to come in late without a watch. So, I spent the next fifteen minutes downstairs asking if someone would loan me their watch.

(Students laugh hysterically)

Professor: (Big smile on his face) That's so messed up, I'm not even going to punish you!

I like school.
B

Fun Times In ME 445

On the first day of class of a new school year at the state university, students take their seats in a large lecture hall. The professor arrives, and before he begins his lecture, he places a tennis ball on a pedestal near his podium. He never touches the ball or even explains its purpose. This continues well into the second week of classes, when a student falls asleep mid-lecture. Seeing the offending student, the professor picks up the tennis ball and hurls it, striking the student on the forehead. The next lecture the tennis ball is replaced by a baseball. No one else falls asleep all semester.

One of several amusing stories courtesy of my robotics professor. That guy is awesome.
B

At Least I Fulfilled The Quota

Lacking inspiration to write something original, here's something I found in the news:

Last year, five people were slightly injured when a startled cow jumped a fence.

Yup. Also, Shane may have been responsible for the incident.
B

What Were They Thinking?

This post was supposed to initiate the use of categories by being another "urban legend" post. However, I thought of something more interesting.

It seems that I have a good memory. Indeed, I can remember first-hand accounts of events that happened when I was as young as two years old. One of the unique advantages of this, is that I can remember the replies my parents gave to my questions when I was very young. Clearly, they didn't always know what they were talking about, or (more likely) didn't care that they over-simplified just to get me to shut up. I couldn't tell, I was a little kid, I'd believe anything.

Brian: Mom, why will we get to Florida faster in an airplane than in a car?

Mom: There are no stoplights in the sky, so planes don't have to stop like cars do.

(Nevermind the fact that airliners move nine times faster than an automobile.)

Brian: Why is "Ambulance" written backwards on the hood of that ambulance, Dad?

Dad: To get people's attention. If they wrote it normally, people wouldn't stop to try and read it; but writing it backwards draws attention to the ambulance, which is good.

(As you know, it's actually mirror writing, so the ambulance can be identified in a rearview mirror.)

Those are the only two that come to mind now, but I know there's more. I love my parents.
B

Cookie Tree

I noticed this while walking home from class on Friday. Yes, someone really did wedge a cookie in the branches of that tree.