"Good morning, and welcome to McDonald's...er...I mean Saint Mary's!" I kid you not, this was the greeting offered by the lecter at mass this morning.
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Why do we say, "God bless you," after a sneeze? I'm not sure of the real reason, but I do know the reasoning offered by one of the nuns at my grade school.
She stated that, in biblical times, people were so weak and frail that a sneeze would often kill them. Thus, the blessing was offered in hopes that the person would not die.
I wonder if the nuns really believed all the crazy things they told us. Perhaps they just enjoyed the amusement of testing the limits of a seven-year-old's naiveness.
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Seventh grade was about the time that I developed an attitude of superiority. This often lead me to challenge the means and motive of authority - often getting me into trouble. One day, I said something that really made the PE teacher angry. As punishment she told me to write, about a hundred times, something like, "I will not disrespect the teacher in front of the class." Yes, it was seventh grade and I had to write lines.
Not willing to let her get away with this, I thought of a clever plan. At home, I fired up our brand new Macintosh LC II and started Claris Works (ancient Mac equivalent of MS Office). I typed out the sentence once and then applied a new technique I recently learned - copy and paste. Yes sir, it took about one minute to type and print that out. The next day, I handed it to the teacher with the explanation, "I wanted to practice my typing, so I hope you don't mind my not writing it by hand." She gladly accepted it thinking it must have taken much longer to type than to write.
The best part, though, was that in addition to her being the PE teacher, she was also the librarian and computer instructor. That's right. She was in charge of teaching students about computers. Unfortunately for her, the school was still using Apple IIe technology. It was 1991 and she, the person in charge of technology, had never even heard of "copy and paste."
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It was either kindergarten or first grade that I was taught how to write the date. After telling us that the year was 1984, the teacher then asked the class if anyone knew why we wrote 1984 instead of 1985. When no one answered, she explained that we shouldn't get ahead of ourselves because God could end the world before we even get to 1985. Yes, that's really what she said.
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Well, it seems that posting has become today's excuse for not doing my work. Here's another church story. First grade seems to be the time I heard this one from one of the nuns at good old Holy Family School in Joliet.
There was once a very very good little girl who went with her parents to mass every Sunday. She was a very very good little girl. She was only about six years old, so she couldn't receive holy communion yet (typically, you're eight when that happens). She prayed and prayed, though, that she could receive this sacrament. One Sunday, as she prayed in church, one of the hosts levitated off the altar and floated (unbeknownst to anyone else in the church) over to the little girl. She held out her hand and it came to rest gently in her palm. She put the wafer in her pocket to take it home. When she returned home, she went to her room and closed the door. She took the bread out of her pocket, ate it, then laid down on her bed and held her breath until she died.
Can anyone tell me the moral of this story? I was seven years old when I heard it, and have been trying to figure out the point ever since.
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I went to church with my parents today. The priest reminded everyone that this Wednesday, December 8, is the feast of the immaculate conception. Now, let us think about this. According to the church, Jesus is conceived on December 8 and then born seventeen days later on December 25. Miraculous indeed!
I know the designation of December 25 as the birthday of Jesus is arbitrary, and therefore even more vague is the time of his conception. However, shouldn't the church at least have the wisdom to set the conception about nine months ahead of Christmas? Them Catholics...
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The following is a joke told by Matthew Kelly. Who is Matthew Kelly? He's an Australian Catholic who has written some books about revitalizing the Catholic faith and such. Of course, I'm not interested in Catholicism, but I went with my parents over the break to see him talk at a church in Morris.
One day, a priest decides to visit an elderly parishioner at her home since she had been ill. He parks his car in the drive, walks the flower lined path to the door, and knocks gently. Though he can hear a radio playing inside the house, the priest's call is unanswered. He knocks again, noting other clues that the parishioner appears to be at home. Still no answer. He then scribbles a note on the back of one of his business cards, wedges it in the door seal, and drives away.
A short time later, the elderly woman opens the door. She picks up the card the priest left and turns it over to find a scripture reference written on the back - Revelation 3:20. She opens her bible to know the passage. It says, Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in...
Well, the following Sunday, after the morning mass, the priest discovers his business card has been returned to him in the collection basket. His scripture reference has been crossed out and a new one is written next to it - Genesis 3:10. The priest is curious, so he retrieves his bible from his office. It says, I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.
Yeah, I thought it was humorous.
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I went to kindergarten in a Catholic school. The class was taught by a nun who must have been in her seventies if not eighties (and I believe she is still alive today). One day while she's talking to us, she looks toward the window and exclaims, "Look! Jesus is out in the parking lot!" Never have thirty five-year-olds moved so quickly. All the kids, tripping over chairs and knocking over desks, run to the window to see Jesus. Much to our disappointment, he wasn't in the parking lot.
I can't remember what Sister Alvina said in explanation. Seriously, why would she do that? Maybe she really did see Jesus. I should find out if she's alive and ask her. At this age, though, she's probably seeing things all the time! Seriously though, she was pretty cool.
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